I am home...if only in my dreams.

I sit in a almost dark room listening to my little sis's annoying Christmas music. Yes, in March. Somehow she listens to it as she sleeps? I never understand how people fall asleep listening to music. It keeps me awake. :s

So my family is frustrating. It tears my heart out to see and hear them gossip, argue, and just plain HATE each other. WE ARE FAMILY FOR GOODNESS SAKE!! (Can I say that? Goodness sake? Sorrwy if not Christian enough for yah.) WHHHYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!!
:(
I want to make it better. But my mom is not happy with me right now. You see, my older sister goes to college too. Same one. (Shall have to tell that story later...) She lives at home. I don't. I have always wanted to live in the dorms. So I did/do. I guess she is having troubles "cutting the apron strings" as they say. I even act like I am older. I am even taller. :) Hehe.
But seriously, I want to have a good relationship with everyone in my family. It just seems like mom is always mad at me, which makes me annoyed, and gets ME mad at HER. Sigh. Then the situation causes me to become mad at myself and all disappointed and down-heartened because her argued points sometimes make sense or cause me to question my motives. Perhaps I should just not tell her anything I do, think, or say anymore. That will solve it. . .NOT.
Do you remember when it used to be cool to be sarcastic and then say "not"? I liked that. It helped me understand sarcasm. Haha, I seriously DON'T get it anymore. Kinda funny. For others anyways. They laugh at me. I smile at them. It works I guess.

I never like to bring friends home or tell my mom about my friends anymore because she never approves of my choices. I think they are wonderful people! Super godly and blessed with amazing personalities and smartness. The only friend she likes of mine is Katana. Honest to goodness, I cannot remember another friend she approved of except for 3rd grade Rachel whom I am not in contact with any longer. It makes me feel like a rotten daughter for thinking so lowly of my mother. I respect her a lot. She has good insight into people and spiritual matters for the most part. She is far more mature than I. She is older than I. I should listen to her, yes? But I often do not. She calls me naive. Hits the nail on the head with that one - I totally am. Sigh.

I hate gossip. It rips a family apart! I hate how we all go to different churches. Especially that mom and dad don't go together. They haven't for years now. Don't even remember the last time we all went to a church together twice in a row. Not to mention the same church twice in a row! Seems like Dad and Ted have picked one again. Sigh.
Why do people have to be so...so...so...FICKLE. Hmm? WHY. I just wanna fix it all.

God, please put your thumb print on my family.
No more pins stuck in it to deal with later.
No bolting out of heavy situations.
Nope, we need a solution.
Not of SCN and NaCl.
A solution of peace and harmony with the life giving water of your salvation.
We need to be saved from the light talk of daily to-dos, and draw into the density of your love and bread of life.
That tasty treat of gossip pinches.
It sinks like a gator tooth into my skin.
Pencil lead that cannot be removed.
Slowly poisoning me with the fact that graphite is not detrimental.
But the truth is it lingers.
It ferments. Just like communion wine. They both symbolize death.
One brings results!
They can be typed up on a page...but only those that are LIVED out matter.
Matter you say? Def: something that takes up space.
Well, gossip is taking up space in my life. Its consuming me.
Its putting more pressure than 66 bars. More than 70+ meters of water.
I don't want the pressure equalized. I JUST WANT IT GONE.
G.O.N.E. Get Off. Never Ever COME BACK.
Nothing can eat you up like a juicy slice of dissent. A sweet taste of misery. A chewy bite of frustration.
It all leads to gossip...and death.
D.E.A.T.H. doing evil and then hell.

Well those are my thoughts for the moment. If you ever make sense of them, text me sometime and explain them to me will you? Thanks friend.

When I come home...I am concerned I may not find you as I want you to be...
2 Corinthians 12:20
For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder.
 The sad thing is...that is usually how I find you.
*prays*