Black Pen

To set the mood...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrSu65Bb9X4

There is something about the pen that is special to me. Scratches on a page, those smudges up my hand. It leads me to a no-mans land. That place of despair I can never express myself I can leave on a page, right here, and end this mess. Something about a rhyme that ticks away. They go hand in hand here in this written land.

They are not my own yet somehow, there I can be known as someone who is more than a mere black smudge on a page. Someone whos more. I want to walk boldly in this land written out with pen. I mind not if with pencil I am erased. I'm used to it you see, and sides, it will soon be in the sea. that brilliant ocean crystal, and they will sink into the abyss. Hadalpelagic. Its dark, deep, and stored within ME.

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So I have been absent from the blogging world not only because I have been busy, but mainly because I have been busy. Yet that is a different story. I have also been doing a lot of thinking. I am not so sure I want to be a writing minor. Maybe I shall just take some classes on it as extracurricular...or whatever those credits are called that are optional for fun.  Writing is something I always wished I was good at, but really I am not.

Then I was thinking about Biology. The same really applies to that. Its something I always loved and wish I was good at...but I am not. I took a nice canoe trip with a couple girlfriends yesterday and was chatting about majors. Stylish Star also thought she was confident in her major choice and would never change it, yet is having doubts now that classes are progressively getting harder and more detail specific in her piano major.
So it makes me wonder. Stick with the two choices and hope the classes will cause me to become better at what I do love and somehow it will work out? Or layback and pick what everything was telling me to pick?

Would I hate my life forever in misery for quitting what I find facinating? Or would I cause my life to be more efficient, effective and less frustrating because I would be good at it? Yet there are no guarantees I shall be any better at something of that sort than I am with science. I haven't much experience in it other than the zoo work I do...yet somehow I am great at that, or so everyone says.

I am not sure I find it fulfilling though. I do enjoy my time there and the people there. But the past few weeks I have been going because I have committed to. It isn't as if I am super excited and look forward to it every week anymore. Is that bad? I am not really sure. I feel happy most of the time with only minor frustrations with family and friends. Family major frustration at times. Other than that I go to the zoo, work, do schoolwork, occasionally hang with a friend. I don't find any of it fulfilling. Pleasant yes, even fun at times. But somehow I don't have time to get past that curtain and figure out what is wrong and why I cannot think deeply about life things. Hmm. I would love to talk to someone who would understand.

For now I just keep going. Blindly - maybe. Naively - positively. With God - I sure do hope so! Diving lessons on Monday and Tuesday after my zoo work is over. Taking the tests I am not to sure about, but even though I am uncertain and a bit nervous I feel like no matter what I shall get through it. I won't die yet...no, not yet. I have far far to much to figure out about life. LIFE. Upside down, its death.